Thursday, July 5, 2018

Self love : From one extream to another.

Balance is good, because one extreme or the other leads to misery, and I've spent a lot of my life at one of those extremes. 
-Trent Reznor

Is loving yourself a thing? I mean really. I get the millennial need for hyperbolic sentiment and overstated importance. But loving yourself? The definition of Self-Love is Narcissism. It really is. I love my Mom. I love my sons and my partner. I love the cats that scamper around the apartment. I love my sisters and my friend Craig. I even love Pizza. But the Idea of loving myself, well that's just weird. I read Mental Health bloggers and YouTubers and Instagram accounts constantly talking Self-Love or love yourself. It creeps me out. Don't get shit twisted I don't expect to change any one's mind with this. If you are in the self love cult it's pretty hard to backpedal from something you have been preaching wholesale.
I know that you may have had challenges in the past reconciling your feelings about yourself and your value. If you're at all like me you have detested everything about yourself. Or you took care of everyone but yourself or you had/have good old-fashioned low self-esteem. I am very well acquainted with all of those feelings.
I have a problem maintaining middle ground. Extremes are easy. I'm Bipolar for Fucks sake. That is pretty self explanatory. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Which is Black and White thinking. So as I said very little middle ground for me if left unattended. The middle ground is however where most of the quality in my life lies. It's in the balance. Right there in the middle.
So as damaging for me as hating myself can be the swing to the opposite side of the same coin loving myself is just as destructive. Both are extremes. Extremes leave zero room for growth compromise or balance.
It's just like the person who is always looking in the mirror and at their body and hating on their looks and weight and hair. If that person flips that around and are always looking in the mirror and at their bodies and gushing about their Beauty and the perfection of their flesh. That person still has the same problem. It's not the hate or the Narcissism. It is the preoccupation with self. It is the mirror they keep looking in. You don't drowned a man who has caught fire you remove the  flame. You don't dry a person's clothes by placing them on a pyre you put warmth near them to let them dry. I know life isn't that cut and dry. But the premises is sound. I think it also makes my basic point.
A healthy sense of Self Worth. Self esteem, Self respect, dignity, self regard, self assurance, confidence. None of those words can be replaced by conceit, they are not synonyms . They just don't mean the same thing. Big Headed conceited, self centered, vain. These words can be replaced with self love and still mean the same exact thing.
I don't buy that I can't love others if I don't love myself. I have searched for some authoritative study that says that this popular Idea is true. I couldn't find one. Not a single study that backs this seemingly plausible statement. I personally do not love myself. I just don’t . I am however completely capable of loving others. I think we often just accept things that sound good to our ears and take them for gospel even though there only church.
Modern Pop  Psychologist, have all perpetuated the Self-love concept and movement. So the current batch of Self-Lovers come by it honestly. But for me (and I'll bet I am not alone) Love is something that flows out from me for others,  and in to me from others. It is not something I have for myself. When I express love it is intense and it is fierce and it is for things outside of me. For myself I have respect, a healthy sense of Self-Worth and dignity. So there is no confusion to others or myself . Maybe you need to love yourself. If you do you I totally respect that and want you to Self-Love you're till you're blue in the face. I however I think words are important and have power and having a healthy sense of self worth will always be a healthier mindset than Loving yourself.


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